We have been in lockdown for 22 days, not complaining, just an indication. I love to write but I have been umming and ahhing about this. Because I’m privileged. I have a roof over my head. I have access to unlimited internet. I have a bicycle trainer. I have access to food delivery and take outs. I’m in lockdown with my loved one. I still am receiving a portion of my salary. Compared to many people out there, I’m extremely fortunate.
But today, I just burst into tears. I woke up to a dull, dusty sky. The weather outside is becoming unpleasantly hot. I couldn’t get my morning sun as the sun was nowhere to be seen. Generally, I was in a rather uncomfortable, negative, depressing mood.
I silently got off the couch, slipped past Cavin on his computer, whilst trying hard to contain this emotional explosion. As I got to the room, the wave hit. I am not a crier and those close to me know that I’m not a very emotional person (except when it comes to animals). Cavin was wearing his earphones. Literally 4 minutes into my episode he just walked into the room and gave me a hug. How he knew, I have no idea. When he saw my face, he got worried and kept questioning what was wrong. I told him that I felt too bad to talk about it because I’m so privileged and fortunate and lucky and whatever you want to call it.
Yes, we are all in this together, the same boat and yes, a lot of us have had it really bad and some a hell of a lot easier. Being in a first world country, I am very grateful that I have financial and general security. Flip I’m so grateful for everything!
But why the tears. This 3rd week has been a hard one. I’ve had one or 2 bad days during this lockdown and have kind of just swallowed them up and marched on because we must keep positive and there are people that are in way worse situations.
Shew, the emotions came pouring out today and I had absolutely no control.
I have been putting enormous pressure on myself to be productive during this lockdown. To read, to cook, to learn, to bake, to watch, to interact, to discover, to please. All to make up for what is lacking. I am a person of routine. I love challenges, I love to be pushed. I always have a goal, something to strive for and work hard towards. I love to be put under stress, I work well under pressure. But now all of that has just disappeared. What is my next anything? I can’t envision a thing, not even the future. This is driving me mad. I have never really sat and watched series or spent much time cooking or baking. My time is always consumed with exercise or work.
I’m missing my work because I absolutely love it. I miss the contact and interaction with my patients, I miss making people feel happy and better about themselves and their bodies. I miss using my brain, I miss being challenged with cases. My job is my therapy really. I miss it so very much. And yes, I have tried the online learning and tutorials and it’s just not the same ☹
I miss having a garden, trees, flowers, butterflies, blue skies, green grass. I miss having a dog. Cavin filled one of our containers with some bird seed and put it on our balcony. So we do have some frequent, feathered friends. I miss the sun. Oh my goodness do I miss the sun. Our balcony only gets the sun from sunrise to about 9 30 a.m. We only have a very short space of time to soak up that Vitamin D.
I miss my friends and family. Especially during Easter. Most of us have memories of those Easter family holidays up or down the coast or into the mountains.
You see, I felt bad about feeling sad for all of this. I have been “pep talking” myself. “Kirsten, you have got this. You are a happy, positive person and you have so much to be grateful for. Pull yourself together”. Today I couldn’t. I let myself be sad, I let myself cry. Over the last few days I have been thinking about all the people out there who suffer with anxiety, depression and other mental disorders. Flip it must be hard. My breakdown, in my 1 bedroom apartment in Dubai, feeling like the walls were closing in and dark rolling clouds were enveloping me from all directions. That’s what some of you feel like daily. And now you have this lockdown to deal with. I seriously cannot imagine what it must be like and I really hope you are all finding ways to get through this.
Which gets me to this point. If you want to bake, workout, puzzle, cook, do your zoom catch ups, whatever helps you through this process. DO IT! Don’t feel bad about it. I have not baked this much in my life. Crunchies, fudge and yes, banana bread. But how good is that banana bread, especially warm out the oven. It’s keeping me sane! Post it on social media, it’s great to see people trying new things, it’s great to see people connecting, people keeping healthy. People playing with their kids, dressing up, having fun. It sure as hell helps me! Flip, aren’t you just sick and tired of seeing videos, posts and facts about the C virus. Your happy posts actually bring light into this dark situation. And those people that complain about it, honestly, keep your negativity to yourselves. If you have something nasty to say, don’t say it at all. Especially during these hard times. We shouldn’t have to feel bad about how we are all individually handling this situation. If your day consists of sitting on your couch, scrolling through social media and Netflix, then do it! No one is making you feel bad about that.
This is not me complaining, I just want people to know that it is ok to feel sad, even if you are from a position of privilege or you are usually a happy go lucky like me. It is ok to wake up and feel empty. If one day you just feel like watching series and drinking tea, don’t feel bad about it. If you want to take out all your frustration on your indoor trainer/ treadmill or whilst doing laps around your pool (so lucky), GO FOR IT! Just be careful and mindful of doing damage to your bodies (the chiropractor in me speaking).
Happy Easter everyone 😊 Squeeze your family members extra tight, give your dogs or cats plenty loves, enjoy your delicious food and chocolate eggs. Enjoy your gardens and pools and the sun, oh the sun. But also think of the less fortunate. To those without jobs, to the homeless, to the people having drug withdrawals, to those having to live with assholes or people who abuse, to those whose businesses are hanging on by the thread, to the people with mental disorders. And most impotantly, the health workers who are risking their lives and those who are fighting this terrible virus. If you are in a position to help, please do. Especially if you can financially. This is a time of sharing and caring.
And remember, it’s ok to cry, even if you are privileged. Don’t feel bad like I did (I still do!). We’re all human and experience these strange human feelings called emotions. This whole situation is very strange. Flip. If anyone has any venting to do, send my way. I’m a good listener. Also, any advice on what else to do, would love some suggestions. Just not a home marathon because I live in a one bedroom apartment 😊 ha ha! Stay safe.
kirstthechiro 