I finished my last stick of biltong a few days ago, the flood of emotions I cannot begin to explain. A. STICK. OF. BILTONG. Yup! My last tie to home, now swirling around in my stomach.
This may seem a little bit too dramatic but there is a lot more to this. I had just come back to Dubai (or left South Africa), a day before the Rugby World Cup Final. I thought I would be ok but I wasn’t. I watched the final, keeping my eyes on two screens. 1 was the T.V. and the other my cellphone. The vibe inside the bar we were at was dismal compared to what I was witnessing through my cracked Samsung screen. I received pictures and videos from friends and family all over South Africa, this made me feel connected to all the excitement. I felt included in it all. However, as I got back to my apartment and continued to stay glued to my cellphone, the tears started to roll. My closer circle all know that I’m not really an emotional person. For goodness sake, I don’t even cry at weddings. But WOW, the unity, celebration and passion for our Country, all reflected on social media, was incredible. I felt so left out and empty. I felt as if I had betrayed South Africa by leaving. I should have stayed those extra 2 days. I love my country, the people, the smells, the warmth, the beauty the adventure. Why was I feeling this ache in my chest? When I left in March, I was 105% fine. No yearning for what I had left, I had my eyes set on a new adventure in Dubai, new beginnings, new experiences. What made me feel so sad? It took me a few days to process this and here’s the story.
When I moved to Dubai in March 2019, it was a sense of relief. The stress of my job and leaving my patients behind was overwhelming. I was stuck in quite a rut, not progressing much. I was 30 and felt I needed to experience, see and learn more. I wasn’t squeezing enough juice from this sweet fruit called life.
Then at the end of August, in true Kirsten fashion, I almost cut my thumb off and unexpectedly had to return home. I had been in Dubai for 5 months and was coping quite well. Especially having survived most of the hot, dusty, rather dull summer. I was chuffed with myself.
My unfortunate injury gave me 9 weeks at home, in Durban. I wanted to come home to do my rehabilitation, I was familiar with the doctors and specialists and felt more comfortable. My money makers needed the best care. However, I had no idea what I was going to do between my rehab sessions. I tried to apply for courses online (impossible to do manual courses with 1 hand). My brain saw this as a complete waste of time. I needed to do something. Eventually after the struggle of the first 2 weeks, I decided to just go with the flow and enjoy my free time. I don’t think many people get 9 weeks worth of free time, off work and stress and chores…ever! And a huge plus, is that I got to share it with my Cav (who had to come back with me due to Visa and job issues in Dubai).
In those 9 weeks, I felt as if I had reconnected with my country, my roots. Away from work, stress and the general unimportant things that consume so much of our time. We went camping in Lesotho, away from cellphones, electricity, noise and flushable toilets(ha ha). I love Lesotho, there is such a sense of peace about the place and people. You can never beat the stories and problem solving around a fire. We went to the bush(safari) to Imfolozi, I had told Cav that was one thing I had to do. It was top of my list. Even if it was for 1 night. There is something about the bush that speaks to your African soul. The sounds of the creaking trees and wild animals, those earthy animal smells. You can’t get better and you will also always leave with a story. Our poor neighbors were attacked by baboons. Shame I felt so bad but only in Africa right? We did a night in Mtunzini with friends. We cruised up a river in their boat and got to witness the most beautiful sunset, with the natural music of nesting birds in the background. We ventured through Bergville, up Oliviershoek pass, along the Sterkfontein Dam, through the Golden Gate and up to Clarens. It is common (and sometimes quicker) for people to take the N3 but this drive has all the feels. The view of the Northern berg from this pass (on a clear day), is magnificent. On arrival, we experienced an inland storm, which are the best. The smell and sound of the rain and that earthly smell (again), just overwhelms all your senses. I love Clarens, most of the residential roads are still gravel and the houses are old fashioned. Golden Gate is so beautiful, I have been fortunate to run through and over its mountains. We were lucky to see a secretary bird stomping around, searching for prey. We also witnessed the most amazing sunset, surrounded by friends and mountain air at 2200m above sea level.
I also managed to squeeze in a few beach promenade runs within my limits and then beyond my limits when my cast came off (I couldn’t resist). I ran in the rain, I ate a Durban curry, I went to all my favorite coffee shops. I did a park run, I swam in Thompson’s Tidal pool in Ballito and couldn’t believe the amazing fish swimming around. I had lived in Ballito for 18 months and had done this once during that time. I did a few walks, trail runs, I saw fish eagles, snakes and mongeese. I fought monkeys off with a water gun and cleaned dog poop off the Umhlanga promenade with my besty. Swam in the shore break (shorey) with Cav, did a beach walk, caught up with family over goblets of gin and braais. Spent time with my 2 special grannies, supported the Springboks at a restaurant filled with South African magic (the Shed).
They say that things happen for a reason, I’m still not sure of the reason. It certainly wasn’t for me to have a holiday, it came at a very inconvenient time. I was still in my probation period at work and was lucky that they let me come back (I work for good people). After my tears and feeling sorry myself, I came across a post on Facebook. It was quite mean. Attacking all those who have left South Africa, hoping that they felt bad for leaving especially after the Springboks victory and this sudden unity the country was experiencing. I felt angry. Damn I love South Africa. In those 9 weeks I think I did more then most South African’s do in a decade. In the last 7 years with Cav, we have travelled, adventured, raced and experienced most of what this country has to offer. It is INCREDIBLE! I left to come to Dubai, to further my career and broaden my horizons. I don’t need to go into detail. People are allowed to move on. I am deeply rooted to South Africa, I chat to all my patients about it passionately. I had a sudden urge to write about it as I think more people need to experience what I have. You need to stay in the country as if you were leaving. Do all the mountains, swim in the sea, spend time with your grannies, value your family. Take spontaneous trips away. Don’t get this disease of being too busy, too overwhelmed. Do things that fill your bucket. You are allowed to turn down a baby shower for a trip to the wilderness with your loved one. Those closest to you will understand and still love you.
I said that 2019 would be about me. My Dad has always told me that the most important person in your life is YOU. You have to look after yourself. You are responsible for your own life and your own happiness. Surround yourself with good people, be kind to family and explore more.
I hope that I can inspire people to love our country in the way I do. Not just because of the unity the Rugby World Cup has brought us but because of how beautiful it really is.
That ache in my chest was because of the deep connection I have with home and maybe it took cutting my thumb to re-realize that. I had been so consumed with being busy. With work and with un-important, unnecessary life hacks. When I left in March 2019, I never really said good-bye. This last good-bye, however, was extremely hard. And now I understand why 😊
kirstthechiro 